I want to get these thoughts out of my head. Who knows what I’m about to write, or if I’ll ever even post it.
Firstly, I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in the world. I know that because this feeling won’t and can’t ever be changed, you’ll always be in my heart and you’re the one thing that nobody can ever take away from me. I suppose you know that I’ve always wanted to be an actress, the majority thought me ridiculous but two years ago I got a place at one of the top drama schools in the country. I’m a year off graduating and finally everything I’ve ever wanted to do is within reach. I cannot tell you how proud and excited that makes me feel. I hope that you’re looking down on me from where you are and you’re just as proud… I wish things could have been different. I wanted to be able to give us everything but no amount of wishing on stars was going to solve that (I did try!!). I hope you heard everything I ever said to you because it was all true and I hope you felt how much it hurt me to let you go because I wouldn’t ever want you to think that you were unwanted or unloved. I wanted you and loved you more than anybody knows. I put on such a brave face last Tuesday. I kept wanting to scream out and just run away somewhere with you, but I knew this was never something that I could just get away with. I couldn’t be crazy this time around because I had to think about the consequences… There’s so much I could say, so many reasons I could write down as to why I did what I did and so many reasons as to why I hate myself for doing it. I could write about the moment I found out that you were real, or pinpoint the minute that I told certain people. I could go through the days where I sat and questioned my own sanity, the feelings of complete and utter confusion, that half an hour when I couldn’t take my eyes of you, not quite being able to believe how perfect you were or how it was even possible to not know that you had been with me for all that time - or I could go through my thoughts at exact moments throughout the day it all ended, but I think you already understand all of those things. So, after everything we’ve been through, you only need to know this:
You came along and, not only changed my entire life, but changed me as a person. You’ve made me realize what’s important in my life and who means the most to me. Most importantly, you have given me so much strength and whatever I go on to do and achieve, please know that it’s all for you. x
‘It’s like I feel it in the air, I hear you saying ‘Mummy don’t cry, can’t you see I’m right here?’ I’ve got to let you know what you mean to me, when I’m sleeping I see you in my dreams with me. I wish I could touch your little face or just hold your little hand. If it’s part of gods plan, maybe we can meet again.’